Here’s what happened when Charlie (5) called his preschool friend, Ava P. for the first time.
“This is Charlie. May I please speak to Ava?…Hello? Hello, is anybody there?”
Me to Charlie: “Did you get an answering machine?”
Charlie on the phone: “Uhh, hello-oh? Hello, it’s Charlie…”
Me: “Just hang up, Buddy.”
He hangs up. A few minutes later our phone rings and it’s Ava.
Charlie: “Hi Ava!”
Me to Charlie: “Tell her to ask her mom if they can meet us at Chick-fil-A for lunch.”
Charlie to Ava: “Ask your mom if you can sleep over at my house tonight.”

Me: “Charlie, did you have something for breakfast?”
Charlie (5): “Mmm-hmm.
Me: “What did you have?”
Charlie: “Gum.”

Mom: I’m going to watch the news.
Kid: The good news, or the bad news??
– Carly (3) Knoxville, TN


“It’s hard to cry AND be awesome.”
– Walker (5) Tupelo, MS

After looking at mom’s purple toenail polish: ”Mom, I think your toes are a little bit ugly…but a LOT pretty!”
– Alexandra (6) Washington, D.C.


While bra shopping at target - “I’ve made a scientific discovery! When the tag says ‘sexy,’ it’s a lot thicker.”
– Patton (7) Lebanon, Ohio


“Mommy, guess what? You don’t have a penis!”
– Brice, 3, Atlanta, GA


Said after losing his first tooth: “It’s very very hard to eat and finish my chicken fingers now that I only have 19 teeth.”
– Alston (5) Atlanta, GA


Can we play x-box? I’m only kidding. Unless you say yes.
– TheMommyhood.com contributor @RileySays


My kids are playing in their room and I overhear:
Kid #1: ”Owww! You hit me in my eye!!”
Kid #2: ”Nooo!! I punched you in the face!!”
– Henrik (4) and Dominik (3)


“When I was watching hard core porn…a women came in to sell a horse.” He was talking about hard core PAWN – but that isn’t what his Dad heard at first!
– Ben (9) Atlanta, GA


After finding a $100 baby doll RUINED, my friend Chris (the Dad) said to me: “When it comes to kids, parents need to treat permanent markers and scissors they way they treat hand guns!”

Alex: “My shirt is wet.”
Mom:”How did your shirt get wet?”
Alex: ” I got a bless you on it!”

– My two-year-old nephew Alex, Knoxville, TN

My husband has my babies all by himself this week. When I was leaving town today, I asked Walker if he thought they would be ok . He said, “Of course, Mama. You left us food and I have a light saber.”
– Walker (4) Tupelo, MS

“Why does the sidewalk have to be made of stone? Why can’t it be made of pancakes?”
– Bryce (6) Eagan, MN

Bryce to Reed: “You are really annoying, and it is NOT opposite day.”
– Bryce (6) Eagain, MN

Mom: Do you think you can be good at school the rest of the week – it’s only two more days…
Son: I’m not sure… “I can’t tell the future and I don’t have a working time machine.”
– Ethan (6) Milwaukee, MI

Me: “Charlie, can I have a kiss? I really need one.”
Charlie: “Hmmm. Let’s see in my mind…it starts with an “N” — Charlie (4) Knoxville, TN

Mom: “Who were the pilgrims?”
Daughter: “People who brought disease and killed people.” — Talor (7) Washington, D.C.

The kids were looking out the window and our beagle, Skout, always humps the German Shepard… “Awwww! Mommy, come look!! Skout’s getting a piggy-back ride! How sweet!” — Katie (7) Knoxville, TN

My husband: “Charlie, lay down here next to me so we can talk.” Charlie lays down nose-to-nose with him, pinches his nose and says, “I do this so I can’t smell your breath.” — Charlie (4) Knoxville, TN

“Step back so you don’t microwave your face please.”
– Rebecca, Knoxville, TN of Simply Natural Mom

“Sweetheart, please don’t throw yogurt at kitty.” Like saying this would actually STOP her… – Anissa, Chicago, IL

Reid: Momma, who’s that?
Mom:   That’s the pizza guy. He brought us dinner.
Pizza guy:  Hey, little dude!
Reid:   He has letters on his arm! Does he know his ABCs?

– 2.5 year old Reid Remmington, Austin, Texas
Submitted by Jenny Remington of Riding Shotgun

Mom: “Where is my coffee?”
Josie: “Maybe you pooped on it.”
– Becky and Josie (3) from St. Louis

Three-year-old: “Mom, I don’t want to play on the playscape anymore today. There’s too much slide traffic.” – Austin, TX

Submitted by Beth from FreeStylnBeth

“I wasn’t going to sit on her head, Mom, I was just keeping the light out of her eyes.” – Ben (5) Murfreesboro, TN

“No you cannot sit on brother’s face. No sitting on faces!”
– Ravyn, Ramallah, Palastine of Piles of Laundry in the Holy Land

“Josie, keep your tongue to yourself!” – Becky, St. Louis

“Get your fingers out of your nose and START EATING!” -Me, Knoxville

“We don’t tie up our friends – even if they’re part of the game.” – Jackie, St. Louis