Vision Board: Um, Who Am I Again?

I had a vision — for my office. I thought that if I made it fresh and fun that I would write there and be inspired to create with abandon.  I got a Mac, a cute desk I painted green and hung a cork board. Where do I work? At our messy black desk on the main floor of our house on a dinosaur PC.

That cork board is my vision board-to-be. So far it just has a few photos, a color wheel and a picture of Oprah with large text that says “Dream Big!”

Yes, we should dream big. Put that on the ever-growing “to do” list.  Truth is, I am not really sure what should be on my vision board. I have some definite ideas about what I want to do, but not sure how to pin that up on a cork board.

It got me thinking about being a mom and my identity. I consider myself  an accidental stay-at-home mom. Huh, what?

I mean, staying home was never something that appealed to me. It just sort of worked out that way. I did a fair amount of twitching at first. But that has finally subsided and I am adjusted and happy. Because I donned a Super-Mom cape and baked cookies? Naaah. I’m not that kind of mom. Because I created something [else] to do.

I feel pretty selfish sometimes for wanting something more in my life than just being with my kids. I’m not sure if that makes me shallow, but I don’t really care if it does. The truth is the truth, and I intend to embrace it.

The fact is, I need a purpose other than motherhood. I really tried to make that my sole purpose and it just didn’t fly. So, I became a writer and likely will start a business. Slowly. Thoughtfully. And on my own terms.

When we moved, I left a  job that I loved.  I really missed it at first, but now I can’t imagine mustering the effort to abide by someone else’s rules. I’d probably get fired.

Some people seem to thrive staying home. Not me, it’s not in my DNA. So, now I am making time for something else and I find that that has a steadying effect on my life.  It is helping me balance personal and family time for the first time since I became a stay at home mom. I’m thankful I started writing. Little by little, it’s helping me figure out who I am. (But I still don’t know what to put on my vision board. Maybe it will come with time).

Does anyone relate to this?

6 Responses to Vision Board: Um, Who Am I Again?

  1. Tara April 13, 2010 at 11:56 pm #

    First off, I just discovered your blog and think it’s utterly wonderful. You have a special writer’s voice.

    And I am with you completely on this, as another “accidental” SAHM. I was on disability (for chronic migraines and fibromyalgia) before I got pregnant. You might think this is a perfect chance to stay at home with a baby — no pull between work and home — but in fact raising a baby has highlighted how very much I miss my career!

    So, best of luck from someone still in that “twitchy” stage. I’ll be following with extra curiosity over how you decide to fill in that vision board….

    • heatherteen April 14, 2010 at 9:34 am #

      Thanks, Tara! I was beginning to think I was alone in this. I think blogging helps. It adds balance to my life — a purpose only tangentially related to being a mom. There is a little pressure involved, but I think that’s healthy for me. And writing helps keep my mind sharp. Truthfully, I was feeling a little dull around the edges before.

      Hang in there, the twitching will subside eventually. And don’t feel guilty for wanting something more. To me, mothering is more what we do than who we are.

      Heather

  2. Margaret Slattery April 14, 2010 at 11:34 am #

    Boy, do I identify with this! But you knew that. I’m a strong believer that every mother needs to find something that balances her duties as mothers. Some find that in a full-time job, others a part-time job, and still others in simply a hobby. It all depends on your DNA. Might as well embrace what’s right for you and not fight it. Your kids will thank you when they’re parents.

    • heatherteen April 14, 2010 at 12:22 pm #

      Agreed. I am a better mom if I am happy. If you ask me, happiness is the end game. I want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy, and those things don’t need to be at odds.

  3. Karen S. May 26, 2010 at 10:24 am #

    I’m also an accidental SAHM and I feel very isolated at times. I feel resentful of friends who work and make comments about how they wish they had the time to do what I do… even thought the Becky-Home Ec-y things I do are out of necessity to make the budget balance. And meanwhile I envy them for their disposable income. However — I am enjoying it more day by day. Ask me again in the middle of summer vacation though!

    • heatherteen May 28, 2010 at 10:02 pm #

      Mid-summer I’ll be bonkers, too. I miss going to lunch with my friends, shopping (without throwing the budget under the bus) and having a reason to comb my hair. But cest la vie. My rats nest and I can drink a margarita when the kids are napping and I bobble my head at no one!

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