Milkshakes, Losers and Idiots

Disclaimer: Everyone will sound like a complete turd by the end of this story, but don’t judge us. I promise, we are actually good people.

My husband was away on a weekend business trip at a luxury resort while I was treated to an EXTRA helping of “quality” time with the kids.


I have fallen off the soda wagon so many times (I am pretty much out of excuses).

We were headed to my nephew’s 2-year-old birthday party and I failed to stop for some much-needed soda.

By the end of the party, I found my eyes wandering over to the liquor bottles on the shelf in the basement.  Mostly, I just sat there trying not to make the sounds Goldie Hawn makes when she loses it in the movie Overboard, “Buh, buh, buh…”

Meltdown #1

It was time to leave the party. We were originally planning to go over to my mom’s to have takeout, but then I realized it was getting late and we had better head home.

Cue the six-year-old’s crying fit. My sweet, calm little girl who pretty much always keeps her cool had a nuclear meltdown. During her fit she even used the word, “LOSER!”  She called me a loser! I didn’t even know she knew that word. She said she heard it on the bus.


The Milkshake

I stopped at Chick-fil-A to pick up some dinner. Since it was too late to drink caffeine, I decided to treat myself to a milkshake. This is a once-in-a-long-while kind of thing. I’d earned it, right?

We get home and it’s not going well. No one really eats dinner (including me). I sighed and stuck the milkshake in the fridge hoping I would get to it eventually and put the kids to bed.

Rather than work, I decided I would watch the Meg Ryan movie French Kiss. I had been thinking about all week after mentioning it in my blog post Why I Laughed All the Way Home from the Store.

Of course I couldn’t find it. After an hour of searching, I finally pushed play and went to get the milkshake of joy and splendor from the refrigerator.

I got over to the chair where I was going to sit when the milkshake slipped through my fingers and fell to the floor in slow motion “Noooooooooooo-ho-ho!

My lower lip protruded as I surveyed the damage.

There was milkshake all over the left leg of my mompants. So what do I do? I rolled that pant leg up and got some paper towels.

Then, a teeny tiny ray of sunshine…

I noticed there was about an inch of milkshake miraculously left in the cup! I look at it like a fat kid looks at cake, and then picked it up with the intention of savoring this precious gift from the Spilled-Milkshake Gods.

But before the Hallelujah Chorus could even start, it all went wrong. So wrong. Turns out the bottom of the cup was busted. So as I was trying to drink what’s left it was actually falling out of the bottom – splattering all over the floor (and onto my one bare leg and now the other leg of my mompants).

I started to cry like Lucille Ball.

My daughter came down to see what all the commotion was about. I sent her back up to bed and cleaned it up.

I decided instead to have popcorn and whine wine. It wasn’t cutting it. So I scrounged around in the freezer and found a small ice cream bar. I sat down in my chair, pushed play on the movie and was about to take a bite when…“Wahhhhh!”

Meltdown #2

There was faint sound from upstairs. I pause the movie. Wait. Hope. Pray.

No such luck. Here comes my daughter to state the obvious and boss me around. “Charlie is crying, you should go up there right now,” she said like the adult and not the child.

I stopped the movie, dumped the uneaten ice cream bar in the bowl of disappointing popcorn, and went to my son’s room.

He is overtired and inconsolable.

I did not have the capacity to deal with this. At one point during the fit he asked for a drink. I made the mistake of asking whether he wanted water or milk. “I want juice, you idiot!” he said, crying uncontrollably.

Seriously? Where did he learn THAT?!?! That was a new one. What a night!

Cue the Vivaldi. Meanwhile, my husband is at a posh dinner event overlooking the gardens of the Biltmore when his phone rings….Brrrring brrrring!

Meltdown #3

The Vivaldi screeched to a halt.

It was me.

Giving Up

Back to the house of the crying son – Charlie eventually calms down. Then it was almost like he had no recollection of the fit. He was acting totally normal. He climbed out of his bed, took my hand and walked me down the hall sweetly saying, “I’m going to stay up as long as you do…”

I gave up. I put him in my bed and read my book (The Help – it’s awesome) while he went to sleep.

I was so wigged out by the craziest day on record in while that I couldn’t sleep. I got up and worked on the computer from 1 am until 3 am at which point Charlie came in to get me.

Leading me back to my bed by the hand he chastised, “You shouldn’t leave your kids all alone like that.”

The hubs got his butt up super early and got home before the kids woke up. He’s a smart man.

21 Responses to Milkshakes, Losers and Idiots

  1. Frelle August 31, 2011 at 1:55 pm #


    bless your heart.


    I just cant even say any more than that. I have had days like this, oh yes I have. And I sure hope its a long time before the next one for you!

    Thank you for chronicling it here tho, and I hope it helped to write it out!!


    • Heather August 31, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

      Hiya Frelle! Thanks for your sweet comment and virtual hug. Thankfully, I have recovered and can laugh about it now. Laugh or cry, right? Hope you are doing well.

      And I swear my kids are great, we were just cosmically destined to have a bad day all on the same day. Oy.

      Here’s to better days! Take care and hope to catch up with you soon -

  2. Jennifer August 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm #

    First I am soo sorry.
    So sorry that I’m laughing hysterically over here at that story.

    But seriously, what a day, I am really sorry you had to go through all that. But I loved your retelling of it and the kids reactions and words (got to love that bus…)

    You and both your kiddos are plain awesome, and no story in the world could change my opinion of all of you!!

    • Heather August 31, 2011 at 4:36 pm #

      You are right – gotta love the bus. And I just reconciled the bus riding situation after what I guess is going to be my annual inner turmoil.

      Oh well. Thanks for thinking we are awesome despite our moments.

      Hope you are having a fantastic day. You’ll have to tell me what words you ended up using on that application. So many good ones, hard to choose!

  3. Jennifer August 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

    Hey, this morning I told my oldest to brush her teeth and her hair. In response, she told me that I am the worst and meanest mom ever! I don’t which is worse – that or being called an idiot loser. :) Love you Heather! Just think, it’s only gonna get better(?) as they get older!

    • Heather August 31, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

      Okay, I like the combo word – idiot loser. I might have to use that in traffic. Well, maybe when the kids aren’t in the car with me. Well, okay its rare to actually be by myself in the car. So I better just plan to scream it in my head, but it totally has a nice ring to it.

      They love to say things they can say with gusto, don’t they? Like the meanest mom EVER comment for teeth brushing. Awesomeness.

      There’s always tomorrow, right?
      PS – You are a fabulous mom.

  4. Angela Fischesser August 31, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    Makes having my 2 year old bust me for “driving too fast” not seem so bad. At least he hasn’t called me names yet. ☺ LOL I so feel for you! The “joys” of being a mom AND a “single” mom when the Dad is off on “business!” Ha! Some days you wonder who has the raw end of that deal. Thankfully, “those” days are not the constant. Or we’d all be blubbering idiots ala Goldie Hawn in Overboard.

  5. Heather August 31, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

    Hi Angela, thanks for your comment. And I am so glad you liked the Overboard reference. I wondered when I wrote it if people would know it, but I had to, it was just too perfect.

    So, did you hide away and eat that ice cream yet? Hope so. Have a great holiday weekend!

  6. Shell August 31, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    Oh, I’ve definitely had days like this!

    You need to go out and get yourself a replacement milkshake soon.

    • Heather August 31, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

      Amen to that! Just had a margarita with a friend. That was pretty good medicine! Girls night out is vital. It’s been so busy lately.

  7. Galit Breen September 1, 2011 at 12:13 am #

    Oh goodness what a day!

    Brilliantly told.

    But still- what a day!

    • Heather September 2, 2011 at 9:54 am #

      Thanks, Galit. Hope you have a great day.

  8. Jessica@Team Rasler September 1, 2011 at 1:23 am #

    Oh dear. I’m sorry to confess that I laughed several times throughout the story, but I promise I was laughing at your brilliant writing, not at you! The “disappointing popcorn”… oh, how I’ve been there when milkshakes or ice cream don’t work out!

    • Heather September 2, 2011 at 9:52 am #

      Hi Jessica. I am glad you laughed. It gives me satisfaction to know I can take a rough day and turn it into something entertaining for someone else – and me as I write it.

      Thanks so much for your sweet comment. Hope you have a great weekend.

  9. Lori L. September 2, 2011 at 8:30 am #

    Hi, Heather! Ugh, that IS the worst day ever. You just made me feel better about my kids’ 101 meltdowns this week, thanks to the first full week of kindergarten. Hope you don’t have another one like that, well, ever. Hugs! Lori

    • Heather September 2, 2011 at 9:50 am #

      Thanks, Lori! Can you believe it’s September? I am both shocked and relieved. I crave the schedule of the school year (minus the mornings and cranky kids who aren’t used to them).

      That day super sucked, but it’s pretty funny now. I went to dinner with my sister last night and on the way home stopped for my replacement milkshake. I only let myself drink about half of it, but when I did – all was right with the world.

      Thanks for your comment and for stopping by TheMommyhood! Hope you have a great year with all the kids in school – what a change, huh?
      Take care,

  10. ravyn September 3, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    Oh, mama. That is one terrible and funny mom-night. I hope you send your husband to the store to get you an entire box of ice cream bars STAT and that he swings by the chic-fil-a for the milkshake you totally earned. I hope he takes the kids with him. I hope you finish your well deserved movie and no one wakes up tonight. But if not…
    I hope you realize how awesome this post is and how we are all crying and laughing right along with you.

    • Heather September 6, 2011 at 4:58 pm #

      It’s totally funny to me now. Thanks for your sweet comment, Ravyn. I’ve been thinking about you guys.

  11. Megan February 3, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    Even better the second time around LOL

    • Heather February 5, 2012 at 10:30 am #

      Hee hee. Thanks, Megan!


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